Blog, you’re always here when I need to vent. It’s been awhile, and I’m in a weird mood per usual, so I wanted to open up again about what’s been going on with me.

It’s been a little over a year since the roller coaster that Michael and I fell apart. During that year, I kept trying to figure out what was wrong. Was it me? Was he not ready? After so many dates, what could have went wrong? Timing? Was it me? It was a constant mind fuck of emotions that just wouldn’t go away. The constant torture of remembering the little things, and the “what ifs.”  The one time I tried to really open myself up, didn’t really work out. I do appreciate the lesson that the universe had bestowed upon me during that time though, as with all things, it was a lesson learned. It was an experience.

I haven’t really dated much since then. Sure, I’ve met a few different characters to try and get my mind off of him, but nothing panned out because I wasn’t in the right mindset of trying to date again. It wouldn’t have been fair to the other person, or myself. I waited, and waited, and waited,.. for the right time for my heart to start wanting to feel things again. Dating is so scary, intimidating, and sometimes cruel. I wish it were easy for me to just be the type to move on after things don’t work out. But I can’t. I become too invested, and I end up wanting to put my all. I mean, isn’t that the point of dating? Getting to know someone, and putting your 100% into it? Maybe I just feel more than others, but I take it very seriously. The heart is not a toy for anyone to screw around with. I think I’m ready to try this again though. I think I’m ready to open myself up, and let these past experience shape new moments, new experiences, and new challenges.

I went on a date this last Friday. His name is Nigel. I believe this is the first date that I’ve been on in over a year and a half. At this point, I was starting to feel a bit rusty. It was such a great time. Definitely the best date that I’ve ever been on. He was kind. He was a gentleman, and so unbearably sweet. It’s a bit intimidating. Am I ready for this? Will he like me, for me? I’m so jaded when it comes to dating, but I need to remember to keep an open mind. I deserve someone amazing. I need to keep telling myself that because I’m getting older, my hair is starting to go, and it’s just going to go downhill from here. I need to show that I can be funny, I can be a little bit crazy, I can be adventurous, and I’m more than just that shy awkward human on a date. Sometimes it’s hard for me to show myself completely, which I suppose is normal, but sometimes I wish my brain wasn’t on over drive a lot of the time. Overthinking every little word, every little step, all of the time. It would be nice to just go with the flow. I want to be ready. I want to be able to be myself 100% of the time around someone that I’m interested in. For once, I’m really going to try and see where this goes.

I guess the reason for writing tonight was to share this experience. We’ve been texting on and off the last few days, and I remember two things. The amazing feeling of getting that notification from someone you’re interested in. The random conversation, banter, and just being able to be on someones mind. The other feeling is one that I’m not too fond of. I get so anxious when I don’t hear back after awhile, or if the conversation start to feel like it’s dying out. I could just be overthinking again, which wouldn’t be completely out of the norm. I hate that I need so much reassurance and attention sometimes just to feel okay.

I’m going to give this a shot. I just hope that if things don’t work out,  that I’ll be in a better place than I was with Michael.

Jay