Sometimes when I’m alone and think about the relationship that I’m in, I wonder if I am playing the victim, or if I’m actually a victim. Somedays I sit and think about the emotional abuse I’ve had to deal with over the course of the relationship, and wonder how come I’ve stuck around for so long.

Being with Nige has been a rollercoaster of so many different emotions. Emotions that I didn’t even know I could feel, or existed within me. Like every relationship, it has it’s really great moments, and has it’s really bad moments.

I find myself more sad that feeling happy. I find myself feeling imprisoned rather than liberated. I find myself misunderstood more so than ever in my life. I blame the universe sometimes for matching us up, because their has been so much sorrow and pain over the last year. I know relationships are a lot of work — it doesn’t take a genius to tell you that. But it feels like groundhog day a lot of the time. The same issues, poor communication, and a lack of understanding. Not only from him, but from myself too. I don’t blame him for everything, I know I’m not perfect by any means.

I’ve learned so much in this relationship with him. Thats the thing about relationships though, you learn, and you grow — with one another. I’ve always thought to myself that I’ve been a sexually frustrated horny virgin for the entirety of my existence, but truthfully, I’ve realized that I’m far from that. It’s taken such a toll on this relationship, and I can’t blame him for that, we all have our own separate needs. I’m so thankful for how patient and understanding he has been throughout all of this for me.

I’ve learned to be more vulnerable, to communicate my needs and feelings. I’ve always been very timid and shy when it comes to feelings, and opening up towards someone else, but I’ve learned, and am still learning, that communication is key. Not just in relationships, but with life in general.

I love him. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love Nigel. A lot of the time we’re both on cloud 9, while other times it feels like we’re fighting the odds to wits end. A part of me feels bad for how much pain I’ve caused him, but what about my pain too? I’ve put him at the forefront of everything that I do since we’ve been together, even that brief moment where we had broken up, I still made him a priority. I tend to forget what my needs are, and what makes me happy and thrive at life. We’ve both sacrificed so much for this to work, but what if it wasn’t meant to be? What if we’re both lessons in each others lives, and that was the plan the entire time? I find myself questioning our relationship more so now than ever. It breaks my heart at the thought of having to let go of him, but sometimes I wonder if that would be better for the both of us.

Sincerely,

Jay