Twin Flame; A Twin Flame, or Twin Soul, is a person who you feel connected to not just on a physical and emotional level, but also on a soulful or spiritual level. Our Twin Flames represent our friends, lovers, and teachers in this life. They are the yins to our yangs, the suns to our moons, and the light to our darkness. Twin Flames are also our mirrors in that they reflect back to us all of our hidden fears and shadows, but also our true inner beauty and strength. In this way, our Twin Flames open the door to tremendous emotional, psychological, and spiritual growth.  

—- Lonerwolf

it’s been a little over three months since nigel and i have started dating. it’s wonderful, it’s intense, it’s scary, it’s intimidating, it’s empowering, it’s depressing, but sometimes it’s one of the most beautiful encounters that i’ve ever had in my life.

when i saw kate back before we made things official, she mentioned that the current state of our relationship as friends would most likely be better for us because if i were to jump into anything so soon, i’d get a different version of him. i don’t know entirely what she meant about that. did we jump into this too soon? i believe timing is everything. maybe we did, maybe we didn’t. i can say that on my end, that it felt like we were supposed to be together at that moment.

the last month and a half hasn’t been the greatest for the both of us.

since i was young i always held myself to a standard of wanting to have sex with someone that had mutual feelings for me. someone that i knew i could fall in love with, and know that no judgments would be made whatever they may be. i wanted to have a pure, real connection with someone to lose that to. i never wanted to lose it to someone that was just looking for something so quick. quick is easy, and in this day and age, it’s so easy to have a meaningless, lifeless, emotionless quick lay. i wanted something more, something more special and meaningful for not only me, but for my partner too. i’m now 30, and will be turning 31 in the next couple of months. a lot of my friends have wondered why i had kept this such a secret to them, and lied about the people that i did have “encounters” with. i don’t know. maybe to not feel so shameful about something that was so special and important to me, while 90% of the world could care less about that? i don’t know.

for nigel, he wants this. he wants to have sex so bad with me. i do too. i think what turns me off the most is the expectation and pressure of it all. why does the need of that conversation need to be constantly brought up? why can’t it happen naturally? it’s a constant cycle of back and forth conversation with no resolution. for him, it’s how he needs to feel loved. i wish he saw that me wanting to give him my virginity to him, and only him, that it would be enough love until it happened. it makes me sad to think he doesn’t think that i love him enough, or would ever. it makes me sad that he’s unhappy in this relationship, and that makes me unhappy.

i’m so incredibly lucky to have this unique connection in my life. i’ve learned so much from him in this short amount of time. i’ve done new things, explored new places, and had some of the best moments in the last few years with him. i love him, and it feels strange to say that because i’ve never really said that about anyone. i just wish he saw where i was coming from with the whole sex thing.

i don’t want to think that this will end, or that i’m being pushed away, but if we’re both so unhappy with each other, is it wise to continue this? it’s not healthy to think like that, but universe, i know i ask a lot, i just hope this one will stay.