It is with a heavy heart that I am writing this. I’ve been trying to keep busy over the last week, but have found myself running in circles, or wounding up at dead ends. My relationship has come to an end. I find myself feeling numb a lot of the time, and then bursts of tears and loud screams just happen out of nowhere. It’s a rather odd feeling, because I’ve never felt this type of pain before.

Our relationship from the start has always been beautiful, and broken. I remember our first meeting like it just happened yesterday. The handsome smug guy from Tinder who charmed me at dinner, only to say he wanted to be friends a few weeks later, then ended up being my boyfriend, my first love, for a little over a year. It’s always been up, and down. A lot of ups, and a lot of learning/growing opportunities. He was my best friend, my best partner, my best everything through all of that, and I wouldn’t have changed a single moment with him.

When it happened last Sunday, I experienced what felt like a complete meltdown. I have never experienced such pain, sickness and an uncontrollable burst of tears. I didn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. I believed he and I, despite all of the ups and downs, would end up being together. It’s crazy. My first “official” boyfriend, and I’ve already thought so far into the future with him in my mind. In a time and age where love and dating is so confusing and difficult, we had something very special and I will never take that, or him, for granted. But he was the first human I ever saw a future with, and that brings me so much pain.

During this time, I’ve come to learn a lot about myself and how my actions and words can significantly hurt someone else, even if I had no malice intention behind them. I’ve realized that I should become more self-aware of the things that I say, and do. I don’t have a mean bone in my body, but I can understand where others might perceive me as a cold individual. I’m just guarded until you know me. As much time as he and I spent together, I wish that was something he could see.

Relationships are hard work. It’s a lot of compromise. No relationship is perfect, no matter what is displayed on social media, because nothing is perfect. It’s a lot of communication, trust, and transparency. At times he would drive me crazy, and without a doubt I’m sure I drove him even more crazy. But I never gave up on us, because relationships are hard work. At the end of the day, I always saw him at the end of my dark tunnel. I always saw him as my light that I looked for. He was my ray of light during a cloudy rainy day.

I will always love him. I will always cherish the memories that we’ve created down here on this cruel world. Our little safe haven, just me and him. I feel so pathetic writing about all of this, but this is the only thing that I can find comfort in right now. I can’t stop crying every few minutes just thinking about us.

I’m a very strong person. I always have been. And despite everything that I have ever been through in this lifetime, this is the most pain I’ve ever felt. I find myself struggling to pull myself out of this dark place that I am in right now. I don’t see the light, and every minute feels like a century alone that I don’t care to feel anymore. I’ve asked the universe, my guides, God, and whatever other spiritual being is out there to help guide myself back up and out of this dark place.

If he ever reads this. I hope he knows how much he’ll always mean to me.