The only way to get past this feelin’, is to tell myself you’re not comin’ back.

Lany, “I Don’t Want To Love You Anymore”

The last two weeks, I’ve been feeling so down, and just so defeated. When I’m keeping myself busy with work, or other little projects those days feel okay, but it’s days like these where I haven’t done anything productive, and I’m stuck here alone with my thoughts, and at times these thoughts have gotten dark, even for me.

When my ex and I broke up, I was completely lost, broken and devastated. He was the first relationship that I had ever been in, and to say the least, it was completely toxic. I didn’t have any self esteem dealing with the aftermath of emotions that sometimes overcame me. It took a whole year amidst a pandemic to really have some alone time to pick myself up and put myself back together. I was a mess, but became a stronger person after all of that.

Dating during a pandemic was not the easiest, nor was it something that I really truly wanted to get back into anyway. After being in a toxic relationship for 2 years, I was so happy being single. I had time to do the things I rarely got to do, I got to see my friends, and I had my fair share of my much needed ‘me’ time. For a brief moment, my life was good, and I wasn’t looking for something to fill the void of not being with someone.

This all changed back in December.

I met someone online. He was younger than I. Extremely handsome, to the point that I stalled our meeting because I was so intimated by him. Kind. Patient. Refreshing. He also went by Jay.

In our first online conversations, we both established that we weren’t looking for anything serious. Just more a friends, casual type situation. I’m not the type that typically would go for that, but hey, I was down for that. We met up, and the nervous butterflies went away after a few minutes. He was just as charming as he was online, but the connection we had at first put me at ease. We sat and talked in my car for a couple of hours, he kissed me, and then at the end of the night I ended up in his bed.

We talked every single day after that, and I started coming over a few nights out of the week. It was so fun, it was cute, and it was a connection that I didn’t think would ever happen from something “casual.” “Text me when you get home, drive safe!” Is what Jay would say to me every time I left. It’s one of the many little things that Jay would do to make me feel like he cared. It was sweet, and it’s always the little things that make me tick. Our nightly encounters turned into day adventures, my favorite thing to do. Within the first month of us speaking everyday, coming over, and playing games online, it felt so much more to me then what something ‘casual’ would ever feel like. I had to ask what this was, where this was going, because this felt more than what we had originally agreed upon. I asked, and he said not to think too much about it, and just to keep it casual. I left it alone, and have honored how he would define what we were, even though I know deep down it was more than that.

Over the last few months, we continued doing what we were doing. Texting good morning, communicating all day, and saying good night to each other. Even though the texting was excessive, I never was bored, nor did it ever annoy me like texting someone typically does. I knew the moment he started calling me ‘hermoso’ and ‘babe’ that we were in a relationship without the title. I’m not one to care about titles, or making things official, but if things feel right and real, why put pressure on something? I just let it be, and I think we were both okay with the unspoken for the time being.

Two weeks ago everything changed. I’ve always been intuitive with other energies, and I knew that morning something had changed.

I’ll never forget his face when we spoke over FaceTime. He assured me beforehand that it had nothing to do with us, and he was feeling off mostly because of him. But I knew when we got on FaceTime, it was about us. Jay said that we were moving too fast, and that we were basically in a relationship but without the title, and that was true. He admitted that he was moving too fast, and that he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. Another part of the issue is that he isn’t out to his family, and that he felt bad he kept me in the shadows and couldn’t speak about me to his family. I was okay with that, I would have never pressured him to come out because that is his own journey that he needs to take. I asked if he wanted to see other people, and I can’t remember what he said verbatim, but he kind of said that he wanted to? I, of course could not deal with that, nor would I ever put myself in the position of being friends with someone that I had feelings for. Because feelings did develop between us. I needed sometime to process and evaluate the situation, so I said I’d reach out to him when I had time to think.

I didn’t cry initially, because this was so out of the blue for me. The shock factor left me feeling numb, and confused. How could this happen when we both agreed we weren’t looking for anything serious, and just wanted to have fun? Feelings developed between us, and that is undeniable. I went home and wrote a letter because I knew I couldn’t express what I had to say to him in person without breaking down in tears. If anyone truly knows me, I am a very sensitive and soft person, but I have a very rough exterior. Damn you ego.

We met up, I got in his car and handed him my letter. When he started to read it, I could feel his breathing change, and then I immediately got emotional. I couldn’t even look at him. When he was done reading my letter, he put his arm around me in tears and said he was sorry. I wasn’t mad at him, and I could never be mad at him for this. We talked about how him not being out was the defining issue for him, and that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I never shared his age on here, but he’s 19. How could I fall for someone that young? I never date younger, especially with that much of an age gap. But I can’t lie, I had developed deep feelings for him.

He was perfect.

I didn’t care about him being in the closet. I didn’t care that he kept me in the shadows. What I cared about was how he treated me. He was respectful, thoughtful, and always kind. That matters.

We hugged, we cried, and we said our goodbyes. For someone that young and in the closet, I would love to have been there for him when he needed a friend. To talk about the struggle at that age. A part of me feels bad that I can’t, because I know I would only be hurting myself in the long run.

The last two weeks have been emotionally draining for me. I’m sad. Like I said originally, some days are okay, and more often I find myself hating being alone at night because I miss him so much. I miss talking to him everyday. I miss the good morning and good night texts. I just miss it all. Two weeks later, I’m still feeling like in complete shock, because it was so out of the blue. I’ve spent so much money the last couple of weeks talking with people to put my mind at ease. Sometimes it helps and I feel relieved, but then I wake up in the morning feeling sad, depressed and alone. Will he come back? I don’t know. Do I want him to? Of course. I just think that it’s crazy to me that for someone so young, it felt like something so real. The heart knows what the heart wants.

I haven’t written on here in so long. I forget how therapeutic it is for me to get my stories and thoughts out there into the world. If you’ve read this far, thanks for listening.

Jay-