A few weeks ago someone had asked me if I thought I was ‘perfect‘. I was stunned and caught off guard with such a perplexed question. Of course I’m not – nobody is, and you’d be a fool to prance around thinking you are. I’m faulty, just like the rest of us. I was a little offended, but didn’t let that question bother me much. I think everyone strides to be as perfect as they can be, but everyone has faults, and faults are something we learn to accept in one another.

My emotions have been so haywire for the past couple of months. They’re like a roller coaster. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed with joy and excitement, and other times I feel empty and sad, with a void that needs to be filled. I get so worked up over the little things, it’s kind of pointless really. I’m so thankful for the people that are in my life that are able to slap in the face and bring me back down to reality – because sometimes I need it.

I’ve been seeing someone for two months now, and when things are great, they’re exceptionally great, and I haven’t felt these feelings in a long, long time. Other times, things aren’t so great, and I just don’t know how to react. I feel hollow, with some kind of satisfaction that needs to be filled. It’s kind of hard to explain on a blog, but that feeling that should be there, isn’t, and it makes me feel worthless. I realize that I move to quickly in these situations thinking that I want more, and I want it now. I fail to realize that others are slower than that, and need space to themselves. When I like someone, I want to spend every bit of free time getting to know them, and spend more time with them. I can be selfish in that sense. But am I wrong for wanting that? Sometimes, thats how I feel. I have strong feelings for this individual, and it’s devastating when half of the time you don’t get those feelings reciprocated. I tend to think too much into a lot of things, which stresses me out. Ever since Kevin passed away, I told myself that I would be honest and open about my feelings, I wouldn’t be shy anymore, because thinking about that entire situation changed my perception on a lot of things. I’m hoping for the best, and usually I’d say that I’m prepared for the worst, but I don’t know what I’d do. We’re suppose to be going camping in less than two weeks, and I’ve been very much looking forward to it. Just the two of us. I got a little excited and giddy thinking about it last night.

Going back to the introduction of this post, getting attached too fast, is my biggest fault. I’ve never known how to handle situations like these, and it drives me crazy inside. I have such strong emotions a lot of the time, it’s a little overwhelming. I think I act the way that I do sometimes, is because I care too much. I wish I didn’t care too much, but I do. Call me crazy, call me a hopeless romantic, or call me a fool, I don’t care. I think thats why some of the people that really know me, have kept me around. I’m not tough on the inside, like I appear on the outside. I’m quite the opposite. I ponder the idea of being a cold hearted, and not caring so much, and how much easier that might make things, but then I’d never get to feel the feelings of joy and happiness of having companionship with someone else. “Hey, over there. Please forgive me if I’m coming on too strong.”

I don’t know. Here I go again, typing too many things that probably doesn’t make sense.