The last few weeks have been a drag. I’ve been feeling rather off the last few weeks. One minute I feel like my normal invisible self, the other minute I feel a deep empty pit of emotion, or lack thereof. 

Nigel and I ended our relationship a few weeks ago. I’m incredibly sad, and a day hasn’t gone by where the thought of him hasn’t crossed my mind. I think about him constantly, and hope he is doing okay. I received a letter from him last week apologizing for how he acted towards me. I thought it was endearing, I mean, who really takes the time to write a card out these days? It was definitely something new, but made me feel better about our situation. I responded the next day. I wrote how I felt, opened up about situations that scar me, and expressed how I love and miss him. I slapped three postage stamps on them, and to be honest with you blog, I’m not even sure he got the letter. I’ve never sent out mail to someone before, so the stamps could have expired, and my letter is sitting somewhere in the void. But, I sent one out, and I pray to the universe that he received it. 

I can’t let myself be depressed anymore. I can’t sit and wonder if he’ll ever call, or reach out to me again. As the days grow, I am becoming more and more numb. I’ve ever thought that I could allow myself to feel this way, but am I really feeling much at all? I’ve never had what I had with Nigel, with another man in my life. Despite our many conversations about a particular topic that made me feel uneasy, what we had felt real, and special. I miss him, he was my best friend and I deeply fell for him. 

Time heals everything, so they say. How much time will I need to overcome this? Everyday feels like I’m walking through a tunnel, I see the end of it, but I never seem to get more than halfway through it. Maybe one day he’ll be at the end of the tunnel, that’s what I keep putting out there, and hoping, because deep down in my heart, I never wanted us to be over. I ask the universe everyday to reconnect us, and hope that he’ll reach out again.

For once, I was looking forward to the holidays this year. I thought I’d be able to spend it with someone that I love.

I’m signing out of social media today. I don’t want to see “happy” people doing “happy” things right now. How much of that shit is real anyway? It’s so easy to manipulate other into thinking a certain way, that I just don’t care to see it, or be a part of it. I just can’t stand anything that isn’t real right now, so if that means to disconnect myself from “social” media, then so be it. I’ve always been rather strong at disconnecting myself, and you’d think that right now would be a time where I need people the most, I think I’m okay with the few friends that I have right now to lift my spirit, and support me with what I’m going through. 

I miss you Nigel. 

Jay