I’m scared to move on because moving on means accepting our fate as strangers, and I’d rather be heartbroken than forget you.

Yesterday marked 4 weeks since Eliseo had ended things between us. It still feels so surreal to me, like it just happened only a few days ago. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy, but most of the time I’ve been feeling so empty and so unmotivated to do much of anything. I sleep so much to past the time, and when I do lay down for bed, I find myself waking up only a few hours later before the sun even sets to rise. Truthfully, the last few weeks have been hard for me. I’ve done things that I would never do, and some days I feel like another person.

I was sad with my last relationship, but looking back when that ended, I don’t remember feeling this type of loss. It’s different, because things were always good between Eliseo and I. At times, I could only say that it felt like coming home when I was with him.

I told myself today that I need to move on. As hard as it is, I need to. I can’t keep checking my Instagram to see if he’s posted anything, or looked at my stories. I can’t keep checking Snapchat to see if he’s posted anything. I can’t be doing any of that because it’s toxic, and unhealthy for myself. If it’s meant to be in the future, I need to let it go for now and focus on bettering myself and getting back to my quirky fun self. This shell of a person that I have been isn’t it, and if I learned anything last year it’s that life is way too short.

It won’t be easy. Nothing good ever comes easy though. But I know this time to myself is crucial in getting my mood, sanity, and life back together. Do I block him from everywhere just so I can’t find myself to look? I’ve thought about it, and have gotten close, but I’ve yet to slam that door. Do I take a break from all of the social media for a few weeks just so I’m not tempted to look? I don’t know. I don’t even know if I have the strength to do that because I’m so curious to what he’s doing, even though it isn’t any of my business anymore. I have to let him go.

My friends are tired of hearing about it, and I feel bad talking about this situation most of the time, but I’m thankful for the ones that reach out to check on how I’m doing. They’re the real ones.

I’m going to bed tonight with the intent of letting this go. Tomorrow is a new day, and I’m going to try my hardest to start the disconnection process. I have to. The quote that I had posted above is from a random TikTok video that showed up on my page, and it’s one of the saddest things that I’ve heard because I resonate with that so much right now.

I hope one day our paths and story can continue, but I can’t sit and wait for that to happen anymore.

Goodbye Eliseo, my favorite chulo.

Jay.