The trip that we’ve been planning over the last few months finally happened. I had a lot of doubt with this trip. Is it going to happen? I’m glad it did, their were a lot of really great moments, and other moments to reflect on. I really enjoyed being back with nature. This is the first camping trip that I’ve been on since moving to Wisconsin, and I’m glad this was the place where it happened. Devil’s Lake is a beautiful, magical place. I believe if you listen closely, the trees, the animals, and everything around you have a story to be heard. I laid there looking up at the sky one night listening to everything that I was surrounded by, and it put me in a place of serenity, which I really needed at the time. I laid there confused, distraught, overwhelmed, sad, lost, and every little emotion in between. What just happened? I called about a dozen people while laying there, and at that moment, I knew who was going to stay around in my life. I don’t recall the last time I ever felt like I did that night, and it’s something that I hope to never feel again. I could feel the concern of my friends that night, and that alone comforted me, to know that someone cared, and that I had someone to rely on. Just thinking about that night makes me feel so empty and sad. It was painful, and mentally damaging. The trip wasn’t always like this though. Cute memories happened too. It was refreshing to see someone so in the zone with the element that I enjoy most. I didn’t jump off the rocks because I couldn’t get over my fears, but it was a joy to be able to watch him do it. I wish I would have, but sitting down watching, and enjoying the moment was good enough for me. When we walked down to the lake the first time I attempted to go out for a swim and face my fears a little, I stepped in an area that was warm, and thought I had stepped on a fish. My first reaction was to run back, and foolishly enough, I did, getting myself more wet than I had planned on being. When we walked back we stopped under the bridge and kissed. It was probably my favorite moment of that day, even though I had a little bit to drink, I remember it clearly. I wish I would’ve done more exploring out there, but with the consistant drinking and lack of sleep the motivation for that wasn’t there. I try and cherish the great moments that happened this weekend, and their were quite a few, but it’s so hard to ignore the bad moments. I broke down twice, the second time I felt numb, beaten, and defeated. So many thoughts were going through my head that I wanted to explode. I couldn’t speak, and I couldn’t move because I felt extremely stressed out over something so small. I couldn’t stop shaking, and all I wanted to do was cry. I hate these moments, and try to forget about them, but it’s so hard, especially when they’re the moments that stand out the most. I hate that. It got better, and things were cute again afterwards, but I don’t know, something was missing. I can’t explain it, but I felt different. I looked up at the sky that night and said thank you to whatever was out there. It sounds crazy writing about it, but it’s something that I’ll only understand. Shortly after, we had good, somewhat raunchy conversation with Britney and Taylor in the background. I enjoyed every second of that up until the park rangers came to let us know that people have been complaining about loud music. It was 10:52PM, and quiet time didn’t start until 11:00. It was annoying, but all good things must come to an end, eh? We went to bed in the rain. I thought it was going to be super cute until I woke up the next morning to rain drops seeping through the tent. So much for the rainproof tent, sister. It would’ve been such a great moment to just relax, and wake up to the sound of rain and cuddling. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen like that. It looked gorgeous outside though. I’m not going to write about the Dells, because I thought that was a waste of time and money. I couldn’t help by feel like I was by myself the entire time there. If I could take back anything about this trip, it would be the waterpark. Such a disappointment. I was really looking forward to a waterpark since I absolutely love them!

On the way home Acceptance came on shuffle, and I decided to play the entire Phantoms album again. I forgot how much I love them, and how much I love that CD. It’s the only thing I’ve been listening too all day. It’s making me feel good, whole, and making me realize things from another perspective, oddly enough. I’m going to take a few steps back. I don’t want to, but I need to. I need to bring myself back down on my own. It’s going to be hard, but if it’s truly meant to happen, then it’ll happen. I realize that feeling so great and happy for a moment, then feeling the exact opposite a moment later isn’t healthy for me. It drives me insane, and my body and mind become numb. I need to get my focus back on myself, and the aspirations that I have. Lately I’ve been blaming whatever spiritual being is out there for giving me the heart that I have. I care too much that sometimes it’s a curse, and I hate it. I hate that I care so much only to feel like crap about it. I wish I could be the type of person that could just brush off anything, and anyone, so easily. Sometimes, I think that I’d be at a much better point in my life. I like him, a lot. Sometimes I ask myself why, and question those emotions, but they’re very much real. Even through all of the drama, and emotional roller coasters, I find something admirable, haunting, and something really great in him. Like a light at the end of a long dark tunnel, giving me a little hope. I truly adore the great times we share, so much. I haven’t been involved, or cared enough to be involved with someone in a long time. I havent given a part of myself to another person in quite awhile because letting someone halfway in is all it takes for me to fall, and it always gets thrown back in my face, it’s all I’ve ever known. It really sucks to be broken down, misunderstood, and unsure a lot of the time. I’m sensitive, and always have been. I’m not tough, even though I may appear it sometimes, I’m far from that. I want to be able to feel great while being with someone, because that is a feeling that I’ve never really known, up until the last few months. I don’t know what the exact feelings are, but infatuation is the first word that comes to mind. I sit here wondering what will happen next, it makes me feel anxious, excited, nervous, scared, hopeful, and a million different little emotions in between. It’s exciting to imagine where things could go, and it’s also very terrifying to imagine otherwise. It’s like russian roulette in a way. I always hope for the best, sometimes, but not often, am I prepared for the worst.

At the end of the day, I had a great weekend. Despite the negative aspects of it, I wouldn’t change a thing about this weekend. It’s been an eye opening experience, both good and bad. It felt really great just being able to be with him for an entire weekend in the wilderness. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I’m choosing to admire the great moments we had, it was magical. I smile when I think about them, and those memories are the ones that I should think about often, and cherish more.

Oh no, this couldn’t be more unexpected
And I can tell I’ve been moving in so slow
Don’t let it throw you off too far
Cause I’ll be running right behind you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you’re the only one breaking me down like this
You’re the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oohhh, when I’m around you I’m predictable
Cause I believe in loving you at first sight
I know it’s crazy but I’m hoping to..
To take a hold of you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you’re the only one breaking me down like this
You’re the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oh you’re everything I’m wanting
Come to think of it, I’m aching
On account of my transgression..
Will you welcome this confession?

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you’re the only one breaking me down like this
You’re the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you’re the only one breaking me down like this
You’re the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously